Transcript (Auto Generated):

0:00
What’s up?
Y’all, It’s Al.
I just wanted to let you guys know that this following episode is going to have potentially triggering content for anybody that is dealing with mental illness or depression or any kind of adjacent issue.
0:16
So we just wanted to give you guys a heads up.
And if you’re not in the headspace for that today, we wanted to let you know that that’s OK Feel free to skip this episode.
We also wanted to let you know that you are not alone and if you are experiencing problems, there is help out there available to you.
0:34
We did want to let you know that there is a national suicide prevention and mental health crisis hotline.
You can reach them by dialing 988.
So in the meantime, if you do need to contact them, there’s no shame there.
And we really hope that you get something out of this episode and you come away from it feeling a little bit less alone.
0:56
And for those of you that don’t deal with this personally, we really hope that it is helpful for you to understand some of your loved ones that do.
And with that, let’s get to it.
Hi, I’m Annie.
1:15
And I’m Elle and welcome to our trash parade.
All right.
Hello.
Hey lady, how you doing?
Good.
1:30
How are you?
Good.
Welcome.
Yeah.
So I had an interesting dream last night.
I dreamt that I met Kim Kardashian and she was taking off all of her makeup.
1:48
And when her makeup was coming off, she was like turning into Iggy Pop.
And I can’t stop laughing about it.
It was like Kim Kardashian’s body with Iggy Pop’s face, and I think it might be the best thing that I’ve ever ever seen in my life.
2:06
That is hilarious.
That’s a fun dream to have.
I woke up this morning from a dream.
I was on some kind of like shipping container ship.
2:23
And I don’t know, like, I’m always like dodging stuff in dreams.
Like the wall, Like I was inside the ship, so the wall had these like, panels that moved.
It’s kind of, it kind of reminded me of like, you know, those like silicone baking things where you could adjust the sizes and stuff.
2:47
So they’re all these pieces Anyways, like I’m standing in this spot and I’m like, prepare because I’m like, what the fuck’s about to happen?
And then the wall starts like closing in and it’s coming from behind me.
I’m like, what the fuck?
3:03
So I like start running.
I like climb up on some shit.
I knock over all this like rice and shit.
And I was like, I got to get a viewpoint from up here and then I see a truck or not a truck.
Go and I should know what it’s called because that is what my dad did for a living for like 30 years.
3:27
It’s a digger thing.
I see this guy and he’s an Asian dude in a brown, like, work outfit.
So I see him and I’m like, OK, well there’s workers on here.
They’re not going to fucking crush me.
3:42
So as long as I’m up here paying attention, I can kind of like, gauge how I’m going to get out of here and make a plan.
And then I woke up.
Damn, dude, a lot of dreams.
Sound like you’re in The Hunger Games.
4:02
I’ve always like strategizing how to get out.
That’s interesting.
I feel like.
I wonder what that’s about.
What do you think that’s about for you?
I don’t know, probably because I’m always trying to plan and like, you know, find a direction, make a goal and then work backwards from there.
4:30
So it’s probably something like that.
But why do you think Kim Kardashian was Iggy Pop?
I don’t know.
I feel like it could be like one of two things, or maybe both.
4:46
One would just be like Kim Kardashian is only like attractive because of all of her makeup and like she wears too much of it.
Like, that would be like what my brain thinks.
It’s like I have been thinking about, like, how much plastic surgery she and like, everybody else is getting.
5:06
And I’m like, I wonder what her face would look like without all of that.
And I think that was like kind of what I think, like lurks beneath or what she might in her mind think that she’s covering up.
Maybe that’s how she feels about herself.
5:22
And then the other part of it was like, Oh my God, what if Kim Kardashian is punk rock and we just don’t know it?
Like, what if like in, you know, 30 years people are going to be like Kim Kardashian was punk as fuck?
5:38
Like nobody knew she was doing all these things and blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, that could happen and that would be like my worst nightmare.
But like, yeah, I don’t know, maybe it’s like a mixture of.
Things Oh, that’s hilarious.
5:55
I just, like, love the idea of like, Iggy Pop with like, butt implants and like fucking like huge titties.
Like in a Kim Kardashian outfit.
It was like, pretty fucking awesome.
6:11
I was like, now that is punk rock.
Oh man, I just picture her.
Just be like I’m bored.
I’m the chairman of the board.
6:27
Oh my God.
Yes, totally.
I fucking love.
That.
Oh my God.
Iggy Pop, Kim K You guys got to get together and do something, all right?
6:46
That would be wonderful.
Oh man.
Anyways, so today we’re going to, we’re going to focus on one topic for this show.
So get ready.
7:04
We usually go a million places.
That last episode, we talked about like 50,000 different things.
But today we’re going to talk about depression.
Yeah, it’s the holidays, Thanksgiving.
Well, by the time you hear this episode, Thanksgiving will have happened.
7:22
So the shit is starting.
Christmas, Hanukkah, all this good stuff’s coming, so there’s a lot of family time.
It’s a lot of going back to where we’re from, going to the new places, having these interactions that we probably don’t want to have and also a lot of memories of times past which can have a huge effect on, you know, our sunny dispositions.
7:56
So we’re going to go ahead and just kind of discuss and like hopefully you guys will get in on the discussion.
We would love to hear your stories and just, you know, we’re building this community.
8:14
We want everybody to know like we are all in this boat together.
So Michelle, Miss Elle, you have a lot of experience with this and you are currently going through an episode.
8:35
So let’s talk about what that means.
What does a depressive episode feel like?
How do you know?
How do you know when it’s coming?
And like, the start of it?
And yeah.
8:54
Yeah.
So just like kind of clarify, I have like major depressive disorder.
There’s a lot, like, different diagnosis for different kinds of depression.
But for me this is like a chronic thing that I’ve always had and like, so your experience might look a little bit different, but this is like what it looks like for me and my current diagnosis.
9:22
So when I start feeling like a depressive episode is coming on, it feels like sinking, if that makes any sense.
Like your body feels like it’s getting, like, weighed down, kind of like it’s hard to, like, do stuff.
9:45
You feel super slow.
Like your brain’s not firing normally.
Like, for me, like, I will forget.
It will take like a minute for whatever I’m thinking to get from my brain to my mouth.
Or like, I’ll forget people’s names, things like that.
10:02
Just ’cause my brain is starting to feel real cloudy.
And then like, that is when I kind of know that things are about to potentially go into an episode.
So kind of like, pay attention to those kind of cues when that has happened.
10:21
And it has been really helpful because, like, I didn’t know how physical the symptoms were for me until I started like, getting really in touch with my own body and realizing that this is like a physical thing too.
10:37
It’s not just like a mental health thing.
I mean, it’s definitely a mental health thing, but it’s also a very, like physically manifested condition.
So I started kind of paying attention to those cues and that’s when I kind of got to check in.
Do you feel like you have a lot of gut issues when you’re starting to go into an episode or during the depressive episode I?
11:06
Do have gut issues.
It’s like, kind of hard for me to tell, like what’s going on during the depressive episode.
But like, I don’t know, I have anxiety as well.
So like, my gut is just like responding to that to you sometimes.
11:22
So it’s like things are never normal.
It’s never normal.
How about you when you start getting like issues like that when I got problems.
I I don’t know what comes first, if it’s the gut issues or the emotional side.
11:42
But I feel like, you know, there’s just times where, you know, I have a lot of issues with my gut, so the anxiety intensifies.
11:58
And when I have a like a flare up with the gut issues, I find I get these panic attacks that are like they’re out of control.
Like I and I, you know, looking back, I think I, I was always experiencing it.
12:17
But anxiety comes out in different ways because I used to have panic attacks so severe I like would pass out from them.
Now it’s like it starts off as a low rumble early in the day.
12:32
As soon as I wake up, I’m like, yeah, I don’t feel right.
I’ll always like work out.
And I do, like, I make sure I fast longer on those days because I know, like I’m going to have some, like, issues later on.
So, you know, and then all of a sudden it’s just like this pure like terror for like hours.
12:58
And sometimes, you know, I’ll take a Xanax and like a lot of it doesn’t do anything.
You know, I end up just like still being in it and then I need to take a nap.
So but you know, the gut problems really intensify that and it’s like physically my whole body will hurt because I’m going through like this digestive flare up situation.
13:30
So, you know, luckily it doesn’t last for a long time because, you know, I have it more controlled now with the medication, but every now and then it happens and it’s like this for me.
13:45
It’s like a week or two of just like non-stop everyday, like intense everything, So you know.
But like I said, I don’t know what comes first.
Is it the emotional that starts?
Where is it the gut that’s starting?
14:01
So that’s why I was asking ’cause I just noticed that correlation for me.
Yeah, I mean, they’re related.
That’s all I can really say.
And I feel like the more my work, the worse my anxiety is.
Like, the worse my digestive issues are.
14:19
Like, so I totally understand that.
And like, yeah, it sucks, dude, I was once so sad that I shit my pants.
Seriously, who can say that you were so sad that you shit your pants?
14:37
Like, I think that’s the most like helpless fucking feeling in the world is being an adult and having your body be like, so either anxious or depressed or both that like your digestive tract just like can’t even function anymore and you just like fucking shit yourself.
14:57
Like that has happened to me and I’ve been like, I know somebody else out there.
There’s got to be somebody else out there that is like shit themselves because their depression was so bad or because their anxiety was so bad, Or they have like, IBS.
And I just want to say, I see you, we can start a club, we can talk about shitting our pants together and I don’t judge you so.
15:24
Oh man.
Welcome to adulthood.
We will shit our pants together.
I you know, there are a lot of people who have pooped their pants.
Knock on wood.
I haven’t yet, but I have peed my pants now and that sucked.
15:44
Oh man, that is so embarrassing.
But I feel you, girl.
Like, I don’t know.
I know it’s.
Gross and.
Nobody wants to talk about poop stuff, but I feel like poop stuff is like a large portion of the problem.
And for whatever reason, and people think girls don’t poop.
16:01
Well, guess what?
We poop, and sometimes we shit ourselves and we’re embarrassed about it and we need somebody else to talk to you about it.
Just like, let the pooping be free.
Acknowledge the pooping.
It’s part of the human It’s OK, We all know you poop.
16:17
We all poop.
So sorry anyway.
All right, let’s get back to.
So when you feel it coming, are there like what are you experiencing and like what are is, do you feel like there’s anything that you can do to like mitigate like how severe this could possibly be?
16:48
Or is this like this is up to the world and we’re just going to ride it?
There are some things you can do to like, make it a better ride.
I for me at least, but I don’t think, like for me, I never know how long it’s going to last.
17:06
I never know how bad it’s going to because, like, I’ve had depressive episodes that have lasted for years that have been like so severe.
And then I’ve had depressive episodes that have last for like a couple weeks that were really upsetting.
17:21
But they weren’t like the end of the world.
And they can be like any time in between.
But I feel like if you like, I recommend everybody get like in tune with your body.
So when you do start feeling that kind of thing like coming on, you can get like prepared for it emotionally.
17:42
And like, I think for me, like my some of the things I think are great strategies and this is going to sound awful.
Paper plates, plastic silverware, like shit you should just throw away ’cause like having the added straws of having all the dishes in your sink and having to deal with that.
18:07
And then like, also how difficult it is.
So I cook and all that stuff.
Like we all want to save the planet, but like seriously I would recommend like having some stuff that you can throw away that like is going to take a little off your plate so it makes it easier if you feed yourself.
18:25
I think like letting people around you know what is happening so that they like can support you or at least like make space for you and just let them know like that it’s happening.
And then they can also like kind of keep an eye on you in case like things start getting really bad.
18:45
And then I think also just like having your tool kit prepared.
And if you’re like in treatment with a therapist or a counselor and or a psychiatrist, like just making sure that like you’re open and honest about what’s happening to you, Maybe your medication needs to be adjusted.
19:06
Or maybe you need to have like more sessions with your therapist and they can help you kind of like with the coping skills.
I know it’s like easier said than done because like not everybody can afford treatment for depression and anxiety.
But like, I think those types of things are like really important is to just make sure like, you know, you’re kind of prepared and like if you can make it to the grocery store or get somebody to like shop for you.
19:36
Just like, you know, stuff that’s easy to prepare food wise so that you’re not, like, feeling overwhelmed and like, those are the things that like, I think are really helpful for me.
What about you?
Well, you know, I feel like in my like 20s I was very depressed.
20:03
But I don’t really think, I mean, I was not really a functioning human being anyways, ’cause I was in my 20s, I think now.
Yeah, I I haven’t experienced that kind of depression in a long time, but I have, like I would say the Blues.
20:29
We’ll go with that because it’s not like, yeah, I’m like struggling to like function, but like, I think a lot of us go through these times where it’s like nothing feels right.
20:45
You know, it is harder to you like, you know, walking through sludge to get through the day.
So I definitely always try to have, like, I don’t want to clean, you know, but like, I also want a clean house.
21:01
So like I will do like the minimum of everything and I try to be forgiving of myself and.
Just feel like it’s so.
Important.
Yeah.
You know, we’re all like our own worst critic and we’re all like super mean to ourselves.
21:21
So yeah, it’s important to just be like, it’s OK, like you did enough today and recognize that and like just keep it, keep it going, you know?
I agree and I think that’s like a big key to like to like keeping yourself a little bit stabilized is like telling yourself that you have done enough and like setting realistic goals are like what you can accomplish some days.
21:53
And like there are days for me where some days it’s just like taking a shower and walking the dog.
That’s like all I can do.
And that is enough, you know?
And then ’cause, like, you get stuck in this like, guilt cycle, especially for people who have, like, depression and anxiety.
22:12
Like, you feel anxious because of all the things that you need to get done.
And then you feel paralyzed from the depression.
And then you start getting a panic attack because you can’t get anything done.
And then you feel like time is running out.
22:30
And then, like by the time you get to the end of the day, you feel depressed because you didn’t do anything right and like you.
Waste so many days and I’m like, Oh my God, what am I doing with my life?
I know there’s so many days when, like, I’m just sitting there and I’m like, why am I wasting my life?
22:49
Why am I just laying on the couch like I’m doing nothing?
I should be doing something.
And I don’t know if that’s like, I think some of that is just the way depression is.
And then some of it, I think is that like, Calvinist work ethic in America and like our society, we’re like, we’re always supposed to be doing something And then like the guilt that we feel too, for like relaxing.
23:13
And then on top of it like being a woman and having like 500 things to do around the house.
Like, I don’t even have kids, you know?
But like, I think a lot of us, even if we don’t have kids, maybe like the caretakers in the family or like the type of people that have, like, more of those, like unseen responsibilities.
23:36
And that’s just like chatter all day, all the time, even, you know, if you’re not depressed.
So I think that’s really hard.
But I think you’re right.
And I think it’s good that you can just, like, stop yourself and be like, it’s OK.
I did enough today.
Like, that’s huge.
23:53
And something else that I wanted to mention is just because you’re not having like a major depressive episode, like I get that doesn’t mean you’re not still struggling with depression.
It doesn’t mean that, like, you’re not worthy of, like, support and help and like being seen as somebody that like, you know, also struggles too.
24:15
You know, not like in a victim type of way, but in a like resources are for you too.
And like, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s bad.
You know, like we just have different flavors of the same shit Sunday.
Like it is what it is.
24:31
Yeah, I I, you know, sometimes I definitely get into that mindset.
I feel like I have imposter syndrome in every like facet and.
Oh my God, I totally get that.
24:49
And I’m like, what do I have to be depressed about?
You know?
Like I have a roof over my head, Like, you know, we have the necessities.
And, I mean, we live in a nice neighbourhood.
Like, I’m not living in some, like, fucking gross shack, you know, Like, you know, it’s fine, you know.
25:13
So I I feel like sometimes I don’t have the right to be depressed about whatever, you know, and feel that kind of way.
So, you know, I definitely would agree with you.
25:29
Like we have to, you know, we have to let ourselves feel those feelings sometimes.
And just, you know, you’re a human.
Yeah, I’m a human.
I’m gonna sometimes just be upset and like, that’s OK.
25:47
Something that like, really changed my perspective on what I feel about my feelings.
And like dealing with this as part of my life does have a lot to do with the fact that, like, you do sit there and like gaslight yourself.
26:08
Or like sit there and have like an imposter syndrome type of, you know, response where you’re like, well, I can’t really be depressed because I’m not XY or Z or like, but I feel like, you know how many of us grew up being like, you’re so lucky you live in America.
26:31
Like there are kids that don’t have anything to eat.
Like you have nothing to complain about.
Is that another thing?
And like it that it’s important, like when you’re mentally stable to realize those things and you have gratitude for the fact like do you have a better situation than a lot of other people.
26:51
But my, I don’t know, is kind of expressing the same thing to one of my therapists.
That was really, really helpful to me when I was in like a full blown mental breakdown.
And she said to me, I don’t believe in first world problems.
27:10
She’s like, not in a clinical sense.
And she was like, I get tons of patients in here that have like trauma or anxiety or depression or OCD or any combination of those.
And like, you know, yes, there are children that are living in war zones and it’s horrible.
27:30
And like we have a lot of privileges in America, but like to somebody that’s like in crisis or somebody that has trauma like or post traumatic breast or stress disorder.
If I were to go slam that door right now, the same parts of their brain and body that would go off if they were like living in a war zone are going off right now.
27:58
Like your body doesn’t know that like you have it better.
Like your trauma responses are firing or I shouldn’t say trauma responses but your fight or flight start firing.
And like your brain doesn’t know the difference between you being in a developed nation versus a war-torn and developing and or undeveloped nation.
28:21
Like it is still affecting you in a way that is like definitely not aware of, like the social constructs that we’re dealing with.
And she was like, you know, I feel like there’s so much truth in that.
28:39
And I’m not saying that to say that like somebody that is in trauma during like their life in America, you know, I’m not trying to diminish anything that anybody that is struggling outside of like what is a privileged country and privileged lives that some of us lead.
29:01
I’m not trying to diminish like somebody else’s struggle.
But I am saying like your brain doesn’t know better.
And like you have to acknowledge that your brain is doing that or fix it because like if.
Pain is pain.
Pain is pain, yeah.
And like, being grateful doesn’t make the the brain stop dealing with shit.
29:25
Like being grateful can totally help, you know.
It’s definitely part of recovery process.
But like, you can’t just, like tell your body that’s having like a very biological and physical reaction that like none of this is real.
29:41
You know, ’cause your body is telling you it’s real, you need to, like, address it.
And like, it’s another thing you should feel guilty for.
You can’t help that your brain and body are doing this to you right now and you need to, like, address it, you know, It took me a long time to, like, figure that out because I think like a lot of people, and maybe it’s just our generation, were told things like that when they were kids.
30:05
And like, sometimes I think comments like that, instead of making us brave full, can also make us like shove our feelings down and like not acknowledge things or not acknowledge problems because it’s easier to like, glaze over and be like, well, it could be worse.
30:27
Right.
But that is, that’s my thing.
Yeah.
It could be worse, like, and I’ve been in worse situations.
So, like, why?
Why do I feel like this?
Get over it, bitch.
Like, keep moving on.
Yes, you.
Just.
It works.
Yeah.
30:43
Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.
Like, if it works, that’s great, you know what I mean?
But it doesn’t work for everybody, I guess, is what I’m saying.
And sometimes we need more than just that, you know?
And depression and anxiety and other mental illness doesn’t make you ungrateful.
31:03
It makes you like just fucked in the head for a minute and or a long time or forever for some people.
And like it’s like your brain is like just fucked up and everything is fucked up.
31:19
But that doesn’t mean that you’re ungrateful, you know?
It’s just this thing that’s happening, so I’m letting you share that.
When you’re see this has been so helpful.
Like I have learned so much from you.
31:37
When you are like in it, like let’s say let’s go into a severe episode, OK like tell me like what your day-to-day looks like.
31:54
Like what is your thinking like and what is your medication situation like?
Are you all, have you always been like on a medication during these episodes?
32:10
And you know, just kind of describe that scenario I guess.
Yeah.
So about the medications, I’ve been on and off meds throughout my life.
I’ve been pretty consistently medicated over the last five years, and some of that had to do with the fact that, like, I didn’t realize how depressed that I was until things got really bad.
32:38
And then I got on meds and was like, holy shit, these were all symptoms of depression and they’re not here anymore.
Or like way like less difficult to deal with.
But I have been on like a parade of fucking medications dude.
32:56
Like a parade.
I’ve been on like so many like and they kept trying to like when I had my most recent episode, it lasted 3 years and they tried fucking everything.
33:13
Literally everything.
And I I had so many medications in my night stand and like none of them were doing anything.
Like none of them at that point, like the medication I’m on now like takes the edge off a little bit, but it like didn’t fix the situation I was in.
33:33
And some of that has to do with the fact that, like, a lot of this is coming from a place of trauma.
And that’s like more than just a chemical imbalance.
You know, trauma is like something you need to deal with, you know?
33:51
And I feel like a lot of people who have, like, depression has resulted from trauma, like, they’re not getting trauma therapy.
And that’s why, like, I think some of the, like, options kind of run out for them because I’ve tried a whole bunch of treatments and we can address that maybe later.
34:09
But so yeah, like, I’ve had my medication changed.
I’ve had it like upped.
I’ve tried all kinds of things.
And when you’re in an episode like that, like you want to know what it feels like that you asked.
34:29
Yeah.
So feels kind of like you’re encased in gelatin, if that makes any sense.
Like it’s really hard to move.
Like it seems like everything you’re doing is like with weights on you and you’re like it’s talking is exhausting.
34:56
It’s like very hard to communicate because like the words just like won’t come out.
Like having brain fog and like being tongue tied all the time.
I lose like, my sense of taste completely.
35:12
So food doesn’t like taste good, but you’re like hungry all the time because like you’re never feeling satisfied because it feels like you’re eating paper all the time.
The digestive issues like, and then pain throughout like your entire fucking body, like headaches.
35:36
Like, just like a numb, not numb, dull, sorry, That’s probably worth like a dull, radiating pain, like throughout your entire body.
Like sometimes it just hurts to lay down and but you can’t do anything else.
And that’s what it feels like physically for me.
35:54
And I’m having like a really, really bad episode.
It’s just like impossible to do anything.
And when you get up and do stuff, like you are so fucking exhausted.
Like I’ll go to the store in the morning and like once I get out there, I’ll come home and like sleep probably 5 hours and like your sleep gets all fucked up.
36:16
So like maybe you can nap during the day and if you can, like you can’t sleep at night.
Or if you are good and don’t take a nap, you still can’t sleep at night like you.
36:31
You just don’t shut off.
It’s like it’s like being on all the time, but like barely functioning, if that makes any sense.
Yeah, when I was younger, I had, I would get insomnia really bad and I would be up for, I don’t know how long sometimes and like, like feel like a zombie and like it would be, you know, once you’re off that sleep schedule like that too, like it’s so hard to get like back in the lane and like function again.
37:08
That’s intense.
Yeah, it’s hard.
And like, the insomnia is just like awful.
And like, then the like, for me, like the depression and anxiety then becomes like, whack A mole.
It’s like, which one am I dealing with in this moment?
37:25
And like sometimes you’ll get the anxiety, like the anxiety down and the depression goes up and then the depression will go down and the anxiety will go up.
Yeah, it’s it’s very.
It’s not just like low mood.
37:42
It’s like like life is very, very fucking hard and it like really effects everything that you do because you feel so sick all the time.
Like what?
38:00
What kind of thought patterns are you having during those episodes?
Well, honestly, depression is fucking boring as shit, dude.
Like, it is like the worst fucking boredom you can ever imagine.
38:18
But it’s like boredom for no reason.
Like you can’t really like move or get up and go do stuff and like, be engaged.
You’re probably just like laying there like with your head under the cover sleeping or like watching television or scrolling or something.
38:38
And you can’t like really focus on anything.
So you’re just sort of like laying there like half baked kind of that makes any sense.
And then you start feeling guilty.
38:53
And then you’re like, oh, I would like to go do something.
Like I have some time right now.
I could go paint or I could like do something creative or clean my house.
And then like, your brain is just like, why are you going to do that?
It’s never going to be good enough or you’re going to make a huge mess if you take out all of your pains.
39:13
And then you’ll get to pain for an hour and then you’ll have to put everything away and it’s just going to make everything worse.
So your brain is like, telling you not to, like, engage with things.
And you’re just like, why am I having these thoughts?
And then, like, the feelings of guilt come up and then the feelings of guilt turn into like, Oh my God, like, I’m not a good person.
39:34
I can’t even get my shit together.
Like I’m I train on everybody I know, like, why does anybody love me or nobody loves me?
Or then you start talking about how shitty you are as a person and you’re like, I’m the shittiest person around, Like I don’t deserve to be loved.
39:52
And then you’re just like, I want to go do something like hang out with my friends and you just feel like disconnected from them.
Or you feel disconnected from even things that you like, like listening to music or.
It’s like nothing is breaking through and you’re just like sitting here with all this chatter up here of like just loops of thoughts that just feed into like more negative thoughts.
40:18
And it’s really lonely and isolating, especially if like your partner’s never dealt with something like that or like your friends group have never dealt with something like that or your family.
So you’re just sort of like sitting there, like just sort of spinning in your own head and it all feels like the thoughts are going really fast, but they’re like, not making any sense and you just feel terrible about yourself.
40:52
Like when I’m really depressed, sometimes I’m like, does my dog really love me?
I was like, or is he just pretending to love me because he wants food?
Like, you know what I mean?
It’s like stupid shit like that.
41:07
Obviously that’s always sends me into a depression, but those are the kind of like ridiculous thoughts that will cross.
My mind, you’re in it.
So like, yeah, you’re just like nothing matters.
No one loves me like I’m worthless.
Pretty much.
41:26
So what if you know for if your your loved one is going through this and you’re on the other side, like how do you help that person cope with what they’re going through and how can you be there to like, be supportive?
41:55
Yeah, I thing that’s important to talk about because like, I’ve been on this journey my whole life and I’m 40 and I’m still learning new things about how this works, how this condition works and like how I have opportunities to respond to it and things like that.
42:13
Like I didn’t know for a really long time that these physical symptoms that I were having were like manifestations of depression or like the loss of taste or whatever.
And so I think, like, knowledge is power.
42:28
So I think, you know, if you have questions about how this works, like start a dialogue with your partner, your loved one, and ask them like, hey, like what do I need to know?
What does this feel like for you?
Like having some empathy there is like really important.
42:46
And also doing like some of your own research, like look into like what this is all about and like how life can be for folks like this.
And like listen to other people’s stories and like do a little bit of, you know, digging and see what it’s all about, ’cause I think we have like a lot of preconceived notions about what like dealing with mental illness is versus what it actually is.
43:10
And I think that can be super helpful.
I think being non judgmental is incredibly helpful, like giving somebody a space to talk about their feelings, if they’re having any.
43:27
Because depression can be like a lot of numbness isn’t really important without judging them.
You know?
I think a lot of people sometimes will take things personally when somebody is feeling low, like don’t I give you enough?
43:43
Am I not enough?
And you know, it’s really not about you, It’s about the person that’s having the problem.
And like their issues are not like because you did or didn’t do something for them, it’s just like an issue that they have to deal with.
So I think like non judgement and not taking that personally is super important and I think like you know helping out with basic things can be really helpful like.
44:12
So if you’re living with somebody like helping out with some of the the housework when they can’t you know cooking some meals is really helpful And making sure that like you know there’s things like that happening around the house, it’s like less pressure to deal with life and that you don’t feel like you’re shouldering everything on your own that can be super helpful.
44:40
So I think those types of things are super important and just like things you can do if you’re friends and like you don’t live with this person, like send memes.
Even if we don’t respond, we read them and they make us feel good.
44:56
Bonus points are memes about mental illness, because I don’t know why, but I feel like those help me feel.
They make me feel so seen and I’m able to, like, laugh at myself because, like, it is ridiculous sometimes.
Send them some takeout or bring them some takeout.
45:17
Or like, if you can convince them to come out of the house, maybe do something fun with them.
Or like, just sit with us while we watch a movie or something.
Like something that makes us feel better.
That we’ve maybe watched for 100 times and like, just give us space to be, but let us know that we’re not alone.
45:39
I think those things are really, really helpful.
Yeah, just like being there without, like, you’re not, you can’t fix the problem.
I guess I’m a problem fixer.
I want to fix everybody’s problems.
45:55
And like, you can’t fix a problem.
You can only support them on their journey.
And sometimes I think the best thing to do is like just sitting in a room with somebody in silence while they’re watching, like all dogs go to heaven for the 500th time.
46:12
I actually don’t recommend watching that movie if you’re depressed.
It would be so bad.
Something like that.
Whatever your go to comfort media is, and just like not letting it be weird, but just letting them know that you’re there, it’s like it’s.
46:28
Accepting connection, yeah.
Yeah.
Just a little bit of a lifeline or yeah, just an an open like pathway just to know that like hey, I’m around you know.
46:46
Totally.
And that means the world to people like.
It means the world to me, too.
Like.
I think one thing that can, like all help us feel less alone and isolated is like knowing that, like there’s space for that person no matter how they are at that time.
47:06
Like, you don’t have to perform for your friends, like they accept you for who you are, and that’s OK.
That can take like a lot of the feelings of like unworthiness and like guilt away, or at least help a little bit with that.
But I think that’s like super important.
47:25
And like, I think there are also, like a lot of good-natured people out there that have no idea like what to do to support somebody, and they also do like, credibly stupid shit.
So.
What are some examples of things that are not helpful?
47:44
OK, I don’t even know where to start.
OK, Have you tried exercising?
No, bitch, I didn’t even think about that.
No, I didn’t think about exercising.
I would if I would get could get out of my fucking bed right now to even get my ass into a shower.
48:04
So yeah, I didn’t think about going and training for a marathon, so that is really annoying.
I think that is something important to talk about.
When you have the Blues, as I will call it, exercise is good because like it’s build, it’s helping you build the energy.
48:29
But there’s like a difference between like a chemical imbalance and like severe trauma type of episode and like a seasonal depression, let’s say you know it’s varying degrees.
48:45
So like, yeah, exercising will help to A to a point, yeah, there’s other things going on then.
And like, it’s important for people to be conscious of that. 100% and like, yeah, depression or I’m sorry, depression is great for you.
49:03
Exercise is great for you.
But it’s like, if you’re struggling with just like getting your clothes on in the morning, like it was a very slim fucking shot that that person’s going to be like, I’m going to go get on that treadmill today until my endorphins are up.
49:19
Like it’s not going to happen.
And you they because they know that that would make them feel better and they can’t.
So you’re probably just making them feel worse by saying that, you know?
Yeah, so that’s annoying.
49:37
I totally don’t want to hear about your new diet, your new supplement, or your fucking essential oils.
I don’t.
Essential oils smell nice, but rubbing lavender all over my skin is not going to heal my fucking major depressive episode right now.
50:01
So I don’t mind this for like an improvement in your ambiance, but your essential oils are not going to fix this.
Just give it up to Jesus.
That’s another one.
Or, you know, telling people you should really prey on it and like, God will take care of it.
50:20
Or, you know, telling people they shouldn’t be depressed because they should be grateful for everything that they have going on and they just don’t see that because I have a bad attitude or a wrong attitude.
That one is really annoying.
50:37
Let’s see, I wrote a couple movies down South.
Oh, people telling you to snap out of it.
That’s really unhelpful, people telling you to drink more water.
Yes, we all need to be hydrated, but I feel like I were having a major depressive episode.
50:59
Like the amount of water I was drinking could definitely make it worse or better.
But I’m not going to be like, wow, All I needed was like 2 glasses of water and I feel amazing today.
So it’s like those kind of things.
51:15
And then seriously, like don’t ever tell somebody that the reason they’re depressed is because they’re fat or they need to get more fit.
That is a huge thing.
And like all these things I’ve been, I have experienced or had somebody say to me at some point in time, I think like, hands down, the worst thing that you can do to somebody that is dealing with depression or is in a mental health crisis of any kind is burning them ACD and then writing on it.
51:51
The girl on my floor loves this band and she should try to, She tried to kill herself and you should kill herself yourself too.
And then hand someone that CD.
Don’t ever do that.
That’s literally the worst thing in the world.
Yeah, White trash central.
52:10
Like what?
Why would you do that to somebody?
I don’t.
Know.
Those people were shitty, so we talked about their trashiness.
Yes, but.
52:26
I mean, I don’t know, man.
Just don’t kick people when they’re down is really all I can say.
Like every time I come back out of an episode or like any kind of mental health episode, because I’ve had like a couple of mental breakdowns or I’ve just like stopped functioning and should have gone to the place with the padded walls and the really, really, really comfortable slippers.
52:52
But couldn’t afford to like.
I will replay everything that I missed out on and everything that I did wrong.
And like all the weird things I said or did, ’cause like, I’m just not acting like myself.
53:08
And when I say weird things I said or did, I’m talking about like being super awkward and like a social interaction, ’cause you’re like like those kinds of things.
And I will think about it.
53:23
So don’t tell me to like, don’t fucking make me feel worse about the fact that I’m being a weirdo.
Like, I know I’m being a weirdo.
I know some of that’s in my own head.
But like, sometimes I’m just a fucking weird, like messy bucket of like fucking tears and emotions vacillating between feeling everything and nothing at all and like shitting myself because I’m sad and unable to take a shower and that’s just how it is sometimes.
53:55
Like, you know, don’t make us feel like worse about it.
You know, if you see somebody like having a rough time, it’s probably better for you to check in with them to see if they need anything than to be like in their face about any like all their mistakes they made or sending them CDs that are begging you to kill yourself on them so.
54:20
Do you feel like certain times of the year it gets worse or around certain events or anything like that?
Well, this is so back in Chicago.
Like, the seasonal depression was always really bad.
54:37
Like, right when it, the season first started to change because it’s so dark so early in Chicago and it’s cold.
So you can’t like even go out to like get that vitamin D really.
And I used to work nights.
So like, you know, you do need to sleep.
54:57
So like, you don’t you have less daytime stuff going on.
But yeah, it wasn’t so much of a problem here in Texas with the seasonal stuff until about this year.
This year I’m I’m feeling the seasonal stuff, and I think some of it too has to do with the fact that the holidays are coming up and I think there’s a lot of us out here that the older we get, the less people there are at the holidays.
55:29
Yeah.
And I think that that can be really difficult for people because you’re thinking about like, loved ones that are no longer with you or you’re thinking about like, family that you’re estranged from, or you just have stress about getting everybody together.
55:45
And like, there’s just so much emotion around the holidays and it is, it can be really hard and stressful for people to deal with.
And I think that kind of really like, shut people down.
So yeah, I’ve been feeling a little bit of that this year.
56:03
I don’t know why.
What really kicked off like this most recent episode, And I feel, I feel like I’m coming out of it a bit, but I feel like it was like the holidays are certainly not helping.
What about you?
56:22
I, when I was in Chicago, like the seasonal depression was real.
I feel like it would get really tough like that.
January, February, because it was like so long.
56:40
Oh, being cold like that was awful.
You know.
And the getting dark early like this year, I’m really feeling it.
And it’s, I mean it it’s, I love the dark.
56:57
But there’s something about like, it’s getting dark at fucking 4:30.
I’m like, why is this happening, you know?
I feel the same way, ’cause like, there’s part of me that loves the dark season, ’cause there’s lights and it’s kind of calm and romantic.
57:15
I’m like, whatever.
And then there’s the other part of me that’s like, I need my vitamin D and I feel like I’m dying right now and I want to, like, just go into a cave and sleep until May bears have the.
Right idea.
I definitely love being in New Orleans for the winter because that Chicago winters.
57:44
I I don’t know.
I like, never want to do that again.
Like I don’t.
Know I don’t go.
Up to my mom, either.
Yeah, like, yeah, I’m going up to my mom’s next month and I’m just like, Oh my God, like, please don’t be fucking freezing.
58:04
Like, I can’t.
I don’t even have, like, a real winter coat.
I have like, a pea coat.
Like, what am I going to do if it’s like 0° outside?
I can’t.
It’s the worst, dude.
And like in Chicago, like the city proper, Like you’re outside all day, all year round.
58:28
Five.
Yeah, you.
Know, it’s not like you’re just like getting in your car and going to like your cozy right office.
You know, like.
Right.
You’re on the train or you’re on the bus, or if you are in a car, it like never gets warm like there is one time during the.
58:44
Waiting for the fucking train or waiting for your fucking bus?
Oh my God.
Yes, it.
Is awful.
I dude.
When we started that, the year that we had all those like bad polar vortexes and it was like -40 with the wind chill for a month.
59:03
I was having dreams of like waiting for the bus during a Blizzard.
And all the buses kept going by on Fullerton.
But like the yellow like light up signs on them all said twofold of care.
And they just kept driving past me.
59:19
And I was like, that is a Chicago nightmare.
I was like, that is like what it feels like though.
It’s just it’s cold and awful and like sometimes it’s really icy.
There was one time that I was leaving work at night and this was when I was working in River North.
59:41
So it was on like Harvard St. and it was we had just had like a Blizzard.
It was like a couple days after the Blizzard and things were starting to like mount a little bit, but like freeze back up overnight.
So I’m walking out of work and I have like tights and a mini skirt on ’cause I was cocktailing at the time and I had my big ass backpack for school.
1:00:06
So I had this like.
Laptop that made it weighed 100 lbs like a bunch of art supplies.
Like this backpack was heavy as fuck.
It hurt my back so bad and I fucking just like ate shit like I fell.
1:00:22
I slipped and like my backpack was so heavy that I was stuck on my belly and this was like a Friday night dude.
So, like, I keep trying.
I keep trying to like, roll back over, but it’s so slippery because like, I’m in a patch of ice that I kept like falling back down.
1:00:45
And.
I was like a helpless fucking turtle.
And I was just like laying there like kind of going like this.
And finally, some people came and, like, helped me up, But it took a while for them to be like, is she gonna recover?
1:01:01
Like, didn’t want to embarrass me.
And I was just like, this is awful.
I was like, I’m so done with this.
I don’t ever want to be crushed to death by my own backpack in the middle of River North on an ice patch.
Like what?
A way to die like?
1:01:19
And you know, those people were trying so hard not to laugh because this shit’s funny too, no matter what, even when it’s you.
Like, I remember the last big fall I had.
I was at my dad’s house and like, I know it was going to be all fucking icy.
1:01:38
When I went outside, I had my shoes like half on.
I need to get something out of the car, dude.
I fucking hit a patch of ice.
I my whole body like, went up into the air.
My shoes went flying.
1:01:56
The things I was holding went flying and I landed with my arm behind me and I just laid there and I was like, Oh my God.
And I like, turned my head and there’s a woman standing there And I I just busted out laughing so hard cuz I was like, that must have been hilarious to watch.
1:02:20
But she you could see in her face, she’s like, Oh my God, are you OK?
And I was like, yeah, yeah, I’m fine.
I’m laughing.
And I like, have to roll over and go up on like all fours and like, catch my breath because like, I had the air knocked out of me.
1:02:38
This shit’s funny.
Yeah, it sucks.
It is really funny, but it’s funny.
I know dude.
I was, like, laughing as soon as I got up because I was just like, I mean, I was mortified.
1:02:56
So I was probably crying and laughing at the same time.
Like when you have like those emotions of being, like embarrassed.
But also like, what the fuck?
I I was just like, how did that even fucking happen to me?
Like, I don’t know.
1:03:12
I had to.
I wiped out really bad at work this week and I was so embarrassed because like, the floors at our work or cement that’s been painted and epoxied over.
So it’s like looks really cool but like super fucking dangerous when it’s wet and somebody had mopped in a place that we didn’t normally mop and I didn’t see it and I like fell.
1:03:37
I hit my knees so bad and then I also.
Feel like I could.
Feel it like in my back.
And I was just like, I rolled over on my back.
And I just laid there for a minute because the floor was so slippery that I was like, yeah, I was like, I can’t even, like, figure out how I’m gonna get up.
1:03:57
So I need to just take a second to collect myself.
And everybody was like, are you OK?
And I was like, I’m fine just.
Give me a minute I.
Was like just give me a minute I need to like figure out how to how to get out of this like.
I gotta make sure my whole soul is still in this dimension.
1:04:15
I gotta collect myself here before I.
Get up.
I know.
I was just like, and everybody’s like, yeah man, it really hurts when that happens.
It happened to me too.
Like, why aren’t we just like, everybody’s falling on their asses here.
It’s so crazy.
1:04:31
Floor is so dangerous.
It makes me so mad.
I don’t know, dude.
Well, at least like through even the worst times we can joke about falling on our asses, so.
1:04:50
I do love watching videos of people falling when it’s like, not a like a big dangerous fall, but like a little something.
Now that it’s winter, I can’t wait to see all the ice videos, people sliding down their driveways or like doing that.
1:05:12
They’re like running on the ice because they can’t like it.
I can’t wait.
I think that’s why we all love Jackass so much, was because it was just like fall videos for grown-ups.
Yeah, yes dude, that shit is still.
1:05:30
Funny.
Yeah, it is.
That’s so funny.
Well, Annie, is there anything else you want to talk about?
I feel like I talked a lot about my personal journey with depression and all sorts of things.
1:05:47
Is there anything else that you want to talk about?
I don’t think so.
I think, you know, with it just being the holidays, we need to just be a little bit more conscious of, like our emotional state.
1:06:04
Try not to get in fights with family members for no reason.
It’s not worth it, especially, you know, we all have that weird uncle or aunt or whoever for us.
1:06:20
It’s a weird uncle who is, you know, maga, right winger, conservative.
My uncle says he’s godly, but I question that.
1:06:38
So don’t get in fights with them.
You know, keep it going.
You’re there to see family.
And just like, remember that, yeah, every year we’re a little bit older.
You know, people are not going to be there forever.
1:06:57
So like, make good use of the time that you have with, you know, your family or your chosen family.
You know, some of us, you know, there’s a lot of years I don’t go home for Christmas.
Been going to my mom’s this year, but I haven’t seen my mom 2 1/2 years.
1:07:16
Me going home, well, it’s not even my home.
Wisconsin’s never been my home.
So going to my mom’s for Christmas is just like not a usual thing for me.
But I’m excited because like, I’ll see her.
I get to see my nieces, my sister.
1:07:33
So you know, I’m going to try and just soak up that time and try not to get in arguments about dumb shit.
So, you know, keep that in mind, everybody.
Yeah.
And if you’re with your friends, like, enjoy.
1:07:51
Just enjoy yourselves, enjoy the food and like the effort that’s put into it, the care, it’s not about the presence.
Like, I’m very much a quality time type of person, so have fun, enjoy the people that you love this season and that’s all I got.
1:08:16
And ignore the ones that you don’t.
Yeah.
So yeah, I think like going into the holidays, I’d say try your best to enjoy each other, but also be aware when you’re in a situation that is not good for your mental health, you can always leave and there’s nothing wrong with putting that boundary up.
1:08:43
And I would say that that’s something good to keep in mind.
But be thankful this holiday season.
But don’t let your gratitude eclipse effect of you possibly having some stress and feelings you need to sit with and address.
1:09:00
So that would be my recommendation, Yeah.
And I also recommend weed and possibly alcohol a little bit, not in a problematic amount.
Yeah, go out, see some Christmas lights.
1:09:20
That’s my favorite thing to do.
You know, me and Rudy go to all the hotels and see how they decorate and you know, we’ll get like peppermint hot chocolate, some bullshit like that.
He loves watching Christmas movies.
1:09:36
So, you know, I spend the time, you know, in a lovely way And because I don’t want, I don’t care about Christmas.
I’ve never been big on holidays, but like other people like it, so I try to participate.
That’s awesome.
1:09:56
All right, guys.
Well, I think that’s what we have for you next week and we hope this was helpful to you.
We just wanted to share in case you guys were feeling alone or had comments or wanted to share and like just know that you’re not alone.
1:10:15
It does get better and we can all support each other and that’s really all I wanted to say.
Beautiful.
Well said.
Have AI hope everybody had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I hope we are all geared up, ready for the next holiday and have a good week everyone.
1:10:47
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1:11:11
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1:11:31
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